wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
