Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
