well I can't set my house on fire every night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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