If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
