He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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