i already hear my dad disowning me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
