mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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