i don't like sucking hair
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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