I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
