Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
