I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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