Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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