dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
