I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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