Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
