I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
