So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
