Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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