Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
