woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
