DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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