im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
her vagine was all disorganized.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Dick very happy bro
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
