am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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