What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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