You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
