she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You made out with two different species that night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
