I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
