eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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