And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
