I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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