Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
