Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
