I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
