I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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