my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
