She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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