FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
