Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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