babies were throwing up all over the place
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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