totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
