i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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