"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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