woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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