it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
