You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
