I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
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