Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
