I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
