do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
