There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize