you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
