She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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