I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm at about main and main street
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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