Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
