She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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